


Bent

by scarletwanda



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Natasha Romanov Feels, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 12:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletwanda/pseuds/scarletwanda
Summary: you have on of your off-days. natasha attempts to comfort you but fails. so you tell her what’s really going on with you.





	Bent

To say today was absolute shit would be the understatement of the century. You were outside on a bench. A small distance from the compound. You had found it once when you had gone for a run. It became your safe place whenever you needed just a second alone. Whenever you just needed to breathe and collect your thoughts without everyone telling you to do so. 

The sky was overcast. Clouds of all different kinds of grey littered the heavens above you. It made everything around you look dull. You didn’t know if looked like this because of how you felt or if you just picked the perfect day to feel horrible.

Today was one of your off-days. That’s what you called it whenever you went bad without explanation. Whenever you felt dreadful without anything even happening. You hated these days. Cause it was there the moment you’d woke up, that _feeling_.But when that feeling came, you didn’t know when it would leave.

It had started when you were a kid, although it had developed even more throughout your teenage years. The doctors called it depression. But that’s bullshit. Depression is a black and white explanation for a very grey disease. Depression was like a ghost. It was always there, but you couldn’t always see it. Overall you could live alongside this ghost, but sometimes he would come out. Loom over your bed and scare you. And once he looked you in the eye you couldn’t shake that feeling for a while. 

Today was one of those days. From the moment you woke up you knew it was bad. You were going about your day as usual, but everything you did felt like you there was 1000 pounds that you had to carry with you. The team could tell. They had all seen enough of these days to recognize that this was one of them. They knew not to bother you too much. That you’d be okay and that you didn’t like talking about it. But it was eating them up. They hated just watching you walk around, seemingly aimlessly. They hated looking into your eyes seeing nothing. Like looking through the windows of a vacant house. 

But out of all your team members, Natasha hated seeing you like this the most. She tried her hardest to make you as comfortable as possible on these days, but you couldn’t appreciate anything she’d do for you. Which in turn would make you feel guilty on top of all your other emotions. So she knew it was best to leave you alone. 

You were taking in your surroundings. Surroundings that usually made you feel at ease, peaceful. But now they were just adding onto the pile of shit you were dealing with. The clearing you were looking at, that came right before the large forest adjacent to the compound just made you feel small, worthless. They just made you think all the thoughts you came out here trying to avoid. 

Most of these thoughts just came from one feeling. The inadequate feeling. Like it didn’t make a single difference if you were here or not. Like no one needs you, like you didn’t make a difference in anyone’s life. This feeling always made you wonder one thing: what if I wasn’t here anymore? Who would come to my funeral? Who would say goodbye ? And why? Because they have to? Because it’s a nice gesture to go? Or is there anyone out there that might show up because they can’t leave you behind just yet ? 

“Figured I’d find you here.” You heard someone say from behind you. You didn’t have to turn around to know who it was, Natasha. “Just clearing my head.” You answered. Kicking a few rocks from the gravel beneath the bench around with your feet. “I know it’s one of those days, those off-days. And I know you prefer being left alone. But it’s almost dark out, and you’ve been here for hours. The whole team is worried about you.” 

“Why?” 

“Because we want you to be safe, we want you to be okay.” She said, sitting down next to you. 

You were looking down at your feet, but from the corner of your eye you could see that worried expression on her face. That expression that showed you she was walking on eggshells. Trying anything to avoid setting you off. It just pissed you off even more. 

“Stop doing that.” 

“Doing what?” Fear evident in her voice, she was trying so hard to keep you calm. “Stop giving me that fucking look, like I might break if we have eye contact.” 

“I’m not doing that.” “Yes you are, you always do that. All of you do.” “We’re worried about you, Y/N. What do you want me to do? Just pretend like it isn’t happening ? Cause I’m trying everything to make this more bearable for you but nothing seems to work.” 

“That’s because nothing does!” You stood up, turning towards her. Your hands making a sorts of motions, not knowing how to express yourself. “Nothing works Nat! Nothing ever will! This _shitty fucking _feeling is never gonna go away. It’s gonna keep on coming back no matter what I do, no matter what you do. No matter what anyone does. But this,” you made a circle motion with your hands, referring to how she was handling the situation. “This isn’t helping at all. I feel like a fucking moron. I feel like you’re scared of me. Cause every time I even look at you you quickly look away. I see you, you know. Whispering to Steve and Bucky and Sam. Behind my back. Talking about poor little me. Sick little me.” 

“**I’m just looking out for you.**” Her voice was small, upset by you yelling at her. It made your heart break a little bit more. You knew you acted like an asshole, but you couldn’t stop. You for once just wanted to get your feelings out. 

“What do you want me to do Y/N, tell me. I’ll do anything, you know that.” You let out a shaky breath, feeling tears bubbling up. “**Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken.** I’m just… bent. I don’t need any of you to help make me better. I just need you to treat me normally. So that I can kick it a little easier. If you all treat me like I’m this sad little bundle of feelings, I’m gonna start acting like it. Or worse, I’m gonna yell, like I did just now.” 

Natasha nodded, standing up and putting both hands on your upper arms. Squeezing them. “Okay, I can do that. I’m sorry baby. I just wanna do right by you.” You put your arms around her and squeezed her tightly. “You are, I’m sorry I yelled. I know you’re doing your best, way better than I deserve. It’s just … I come with instructions. And if you wanna be with me, you need to know which buttons to push and which to leave alone. When people just push random buttons trying to get me to reset, I can just give up all together.” You felt Natasha chuckle against you. “Great analogy babe.” “I was always better with metaphors than with real talk.” Pulling back you looked at Natasha. Her red hair looked radiant against the dull grey background. It made you feel a little better. Like she was the color you were supposed to be chasing when things got this dull around you. 

“Can I ask you something ?” “Of course.” “Are you sure about all this? About being with me? I’m not easy to be with. And you have your own shit to deal with as well. I understand if you don’t wanna take on my shit as well.” 

She slid her hands down your arms. Taking your hands in hers and pulling them up to her chest. She looked at you deeply, like she was trying to transfer an ocean of feelings through a single look. “Yes, I wanna be with you. There is not a doubt in my mind about that. Maybe I have to learn some things about you and maybe we’re gonna fight sometimes because I did it wrong. But I don’t care. Cause it doesn’t matter to me how many bad days you have. Even if you have 3 straight months where you feel like shit. Cause when you feel better, and you’re doing okay. You just.. brighten everything up. You walk into a room and everyone turns their heads, simply because of the energy you give off. And I don’t care if it’s not easy, cause I don’t want easy. Easy is boring. It doesn’t matter to me if it gets bad, or how bad it gets. Cause when it’s good, it’s _so fucking good. _I loveyou, and nothing is gonna change that.” 

You kissed her. You kissed her with an intensity that said ‘thank you’. That said ‘I love you too.’ Maybe she was right, maybe it was for the best if it wasn’t easy. Cause you’re lives where never gonna be easy no matter what. You’re avengers, easy isn’t part of that job description. But it’s okay, because you guys love each other. And nothing is gonna change that. 


End file.
